What I had not counted on was feeling vulnerable. And I realize this doesn't make much sense since I am volunteering to put myself out there, but I did not expect to hesitate hitting "Post" or obsessively checking to see if anyone read my blog. I also did not want to have new post until I actually had some genuine feelings about something. I did not want to have to evoke or manufacture emotions that I "should" be feeling. That is a dangerous game isn't folks?
Back in the day, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker, for those if you that live under a rock) typed "Why are we 'shoulding' all over ourselves"? I use that phrase so much at work, but I do things and then second guess myself when I am not having any overwhelming feelings. I think...."Should I be more upset by this"? Which then leads to maybe there's something wrong with me that I don't really care about stuff. I guess that's true and not so true. I don't care about stuff,( literally things). If I lost all my personal belongings I would not be that upset about that. I would be extremely upset if I lost Case or the dogs, but for material things I don't really care. I'm good at shopping so......
Let me give you a more personal and specific example. When I was 19 I got pregnant. I knew that was not the route I wanted to go; plus my mom reminded me of that fiercely. Despite her opinion, I knew that I was not at a place to be a mom. I could barely take care of myself and had no education. Coming from a religious family and not being religious myself, I expected to feel shame and guilt because people told me I would. Not once did I ever hear from someone who felt relief and did not have it affect them forever. When the pregnancy was terminated, I did not feel shame or guilt, and I did feel relief. Then the dreaded "shoulds" kept coming up. Should I feel badly? Do I feel guilty enough? Does this mean I don't care about myself? Am I dealing with this properly? It was the "shoulds" that caused the problem not the abortion itself.
I remember this life lesson, and sometimes the "shoulds" creep in on me and I wonder how the hell did I get here. So while there are no poignant emotions right now, I have a feeling there will be plenty to write about this week.
I have a sorta mock therapy session tomorrow. I was asked to be client for EAP, Equine Assisted Psychotherapy, which I refer to as horse therapy. This practice session helps facilitators get their groove back so to speak and I love it! So I am stoked! More to come.....
For an alternative perspective on abortion, visit www.imnotsorry.net
"Whether you think you can or cannot, you are right"- Henry Ford
Leah-- First and most important, I appreciate your honesty-- it IS hard to let yourself be vulnerable in a blog!
ReplyDeleteSecond, had to laugh about checking and rechecking to see who has read your post. Ahem...I do that too.
Usually during the week, on a really big day, I'll have 20 hits or so on my blog. But the other day I had almost 200! I couldn't believe it! I checked to see where the traffic was coming from. Turns out it was from a Russian search engine. I don't even know what to think about that...
Keep writing.
Jule
Thanks for including the link. My mom and I are in the picture on the IMNOTSORRY home page. We are in the middle... maybe a bit to the right. See us? I think there was a drum circle nearby.
ReplyDeleteI first got that website from you Mon. While I don't see too many women that are pregnant I have seen a few and give them this as a resource so they have an alternative perspective. I will look for you and mom on the website. Thanks Julie for your encouragement. You may have to tell me how you figured out how much traffic was on your blog and the source of it. Thanks for the support!!
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