Out with the old and In with NEW

First- shout out to US Women's Soccer Team! Sorry I gave up on you in the last few minutes, my bad. Ok now with that out of the way, if anyone is paying attention to dates it will be very obvious that I have not written anything in about 2 months. I would like to take that as a positive sign as I am not experiencing any angst....but alas that is simply not true. I'll tell you what's been different is Casey has been home and I have wanted to hang out with him instead of write.

What's going on now is a few things that seem to be new territory. I am beginning to wrap my brain around how old I am. That's fucking wake up call huh? I feel 25 and yet somehow I am not 25. You would think that my body would let me know that but no it keeps its mouth shut. I'll tell you when I first started grasping this concept.....watching old reruns of Sex and the City. Some of which arrived in 2000. I was 23 I think in 2000. And then I think, "Oh my God, that was 11 years ago" This show still seems like current culture to me....then it hits me! 11 years ago, how old am I now?

Case and point, my Kim argued that she was 35 and she's not, she's 34. When does it happen that we start to forget how old we are? And isn't something supposed to happen by age 34? Aren't I supposed to feel grown up and accomplished? I refuse to believe that I am the only one this happens to.

When I was 23, I probably would have told you that I would be married and have kids by age 34. I'd own a house, have been to Europe, be living in Dallas. I also probably would have said that I would be financially secure and be kicking ass as some kind of corporate rock star or own my own business. None of these is true.

What is true is I have a wonderful partner who loves and cherishes me and shows it. What is true is that I have a Mom who loves me and is my biggest cheerleader. What is true is that I spend much of my time struggling to pay bills and focusing my energy on helping others who are not as fortunate as me. What is true is that I can play soccer better now than in my younger years. What is true is that I am damn smart. What is true is that I can't imagine doing anything else than what I am doing right now.

Maybe new developments will occur...well of course they'll occur because Life is change. I'll tell you one thing I could not have told you at age 23....that I would be happier at age 34. So for me, out with old expectations for myself and in with new ones that foster my development as a human being, not in a certain role at a certain age.

"Life is what we make of it, always has been, always will be" -Grandma Moses (I don't know who this is but I love the saying)

I won!

So my parent has waited out the temper tantrum of the child. Just like real kids, parents can wait them out. Over the last couple days, in lieu of slamming cabinets doors, I continued to talk to myself and reason with myself. Whatever emotions came up, which was crying for me, I allowed to come up. I had to remind myself that I won't cry forever and had to remind myself that maybe this crying was something I needed. Even with all the work I have put into myself over the past 5 years which was A LOT, I find that I continue to control this release process. To my credit, it is much much less than in the past, and I still do it. I am aware of it in the moment and it is still hard to let go. That emotion is so strong which is why I have to reason with myself.

*Side note: 3 baby deer and a Momma deer are right in front of my window right now. I consider this a sign that I am on the right path.

Additionally, over the past few days when I was reasoning with my child, I happened upon some lessons. They seemed random at the time. The first lesson that came into my life was saying "thank you" in times of crisis. Saying thank you in hard times suggests that your faith is so strong that you recognize the situation is temporary and you'll be back on track eventually. Eventually may look like a couple days or months. So once I heard this, I began to say thank you to the universe of sending me so many blessings. This deflated the child.

I was watching Oprah and say previous guests that had dealt with real catastrophes, one woman killed her daughter by leaving her in a hot car on accident. Another woman's ex-husband killed all 4 of her children. I don't even want to know grief like that. That put things in perspective for my child. After seeing this show, I just made a choice that anger (even fueled by hormones) was simply not worth my time. I affected my relationship with Casey, taking care of my newly neutered puppy, and my "Leah" time. Who wants to hang out with someone that's pissed? I didn't even want to hang out with myself...that's another sign that I needed to chose a different path.

My hope and goal is that I realize these things in the moment rather than days later, and I think this is my own process and as long as I practice I will get there. Practice....a word that many people don't understand. Many people believe that they have to accept whats going on now and have no control on changing it, and I say "NO". I am in charge of my life and in charge of how I feel. I can find the balance between acknowledging unwanted feelings and living in the positive.

"I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become" -Oprah Winfrey

Me versus Me

Do you ever feel like there is some sort of internal battle where you struggle between something that feels good and doing the right thing? This war pisses me off. I am so angry that I have to choose. Why can't doing the right thing feel really good too. Sometimes it does feel good if I'm being honest, and there are times when I want to throw a holy tantrum like a 2 yr old because I am not getting my way! It's like the parent in me and the child in me are fighting.....and too many times the kid wins.

I'm angry right now. I have no rational reason for the anger (which makes me think it's hormones) but it's there. I feel frustrated and impatient. There are so many things I want to do and I have either no ideas or vague ideas about how to go about doing them. I know many blogs are about someone doing something and then digitally journaling about it, but I am not even at that point. I thought this would be a good idea on how to unite people through emotion and right now I am doubting that. I notice going into this project that I had expectations for it rather than letting it take on a process of its own.

With my hands laying still on the keyboard, I wonder what else needs to be said. I feel stuck. I feel frustrated. I feel impatient. I feel discouraged. And I feel doubt. Am I on the right path? Am I going to be able to leave the world a better place than when I entered it? Does anyone care about this stuff now that there are ways to "connect" but not really connect? My kid wants to pound on the keys right now so I feel better. She also wants to slam cabinet doors and scream so I feel better. But I don't do that...I type.I type like the parent in me tells me to. Right now that feels inferior.

"Maturity of mind is the capacity to endure uncertainty"- John Finley

A Little Sugar please

A couple of things have come up this week. First and most frustrating is that people that follow this blog are not being updated about new posts. If this is incorrect please let me know. I don't know how to fix it right now. I love those two words...right now. It lets me know that situations are temporary which is a nice reminder when things suck.
What has been coming up for me recently is letting people know how I feel. You know how there are people you meet throughout your life and you just know that whatever you are learning from them or taking away from that relationship is going to be heavy and long lasting in your life. I feel like that so often and the only person I usually tell is Casey. So here is an unscripted monumental moment in my life-

Moving away from Dallas was hard, scary, and exciting at the same time. When I moved to Phoenix, I met Eric and his beard. I don't usually have male friends but we clicked right away. I'm unsure if I realized in the moment that Eric would be a teacher of mine. He is very different from me.....I hate to stereotype but for efficiency reasons, he is very hippie-like, mindful, generous, and kind of granola. And he's also a therapist. Let me tell you about the kind of man Eric is.....

Gunnar had hurt himself one day and this dogs weighs 115 lbs so there was no way I could get him in my car by myself and it pained me to hear him yelp. I was freaking out a little, maybe a lot, and I called Eric crying for help. Eric rescheduled his clients to help me with my dog. He also kept me calm and stopped my brain from spinning out of control. For someone who does not have to ask for help often, Eric's gesture was as grand as him paying off my school loans. Again, in the moment I knew Eric was doing me a solid but I did not know how much I would come to admire him. And today Eric is married to a beautiful woman and has a daughter that looks like the new Gerber baby, super cute. Thanks Eric for being such an upstanding human being. You really inspire me to do more, be more, and get involved.

I think we all have people like this in our lives. When it seems that this isn't happening for me, I ask the Universe for it (that is the God of my understanding~ I love this way to describe God). I believe that I am wise beyond my years because I have almost always had someone in my life that is helping me grow. Sometimes this looks like someone modeling a new behavior for me, teaching me new behaviors/thought processes and sometimes this is when I am confronted by someone saying, "cut the shit". Usually the ladder is done by Casey which I really appreciate too. We all need someone in our lives that will hold up a mirror and help us really see ourselves, and hopefully we can be open to it.

I want to encourage everyone to let people in your life know that they are making an impact. We all learn and grow by being connected to each other. If you are feeling disconnected, put down the electronics and have a talk, not a text, a talk. Let that person/people know what they mean to you because all we have is right now :)

"Let your love be like misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river."- Malagasy Proverb

Exposed Theories

What I had not counted on was feeling vulnerable. And I realize this doesn't make much sense since I am volunteering to put myself out there, but I did not expect to hesitate hitting "Post" or obsessively checking to see if anyone read my blog. I also did not want to have new post until I actually had some genuine feelings about something. I did not want to have to evoke or manufacture emotions that I "should" be feeling. That is a dangerous game isn't folks?
Back in the day, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker, for those if you that live under a rock) typed "Why are we 'shoulding' all over ourselves"? I use that phrase so much at work, but I do things and then second guess myself when I am not having any overwhelming feelings. I think...."Should I be more upset by this"? Which then leads to maybe there's something wrong with me that I don't really care about stuff. I guess that's true and not so true. I don't care about stuff,( literally things). If I lost all my personal belongings I would not be that upset about that. I would be extremely upset if I lost Case or the dogs, but for material things I don't really care. I'm good at shopping so......
Let me give you a more personal and specific example. When I was 19 I got pregnant. I knew that was not the route I wanted to go; plus my mom reminded me of that fiercely. Despite her opinion, I knew that I was not at a place to be a mom. I could barely take care of myself and had no education. Coming from a religious family and not being religious myself, I expected to feel shame and guilt because people told me I would. Not once did I ever hear from someone who felt relief and did not have it affect them forever. When the pregnancy was terminated, I did not feel shame or guilt, and I did feel relief. Then the dreaded "shoulds" kept coming up. Should I feel badly? Do I feel guilty enough? Does this mean I don't care about myself? Am I dealing with this properly? It was the "shoulds" that caused the problem not the abortion itself.
I remember this life lesson, and sometimes the "shoulds" creep in on me and I wonder how the hell did I get here. So while there are no poignant emotions right now, I have a feeling there will be plenty to write about this week.
I have a sorta mock therapy session tomorrow. I was asked to be client for EAP, Equine Assisted Psychotherapy, which I refer to as horse therapy. This practice session helps facilitators get their groove back so to speak and I love it! So I am stoked! More to come.....

For an alternative perspective on abortion, visit www.imnotsorry.net

"Whether you think you can or cannot, you are right"- Henry Ford

The Beginning

Well here it is! I have been thinking about a starting a blog for awhile and have thought what in the hell am I going to write about. So after much thought and wonderful feedback from wonderfully supportive friends....I'm writin' about me- But I do have a purpose behind it, a couple actually.

What I have noticed in the past few years is that we seem to be focused solely on our differences as human beings. Race....African American, Asian American, Mexican American...., gender...female, male, transgendered,......... political association.....Republican, Democrat, Tea Party (yuck!),.... sexual orientation....gay, straight, lesbian, queer, I'm sure there are other labels now...., blah blah blah. I think this is only half the story. I hope I can provide the other half. Human beings are more the same than different and when we overly-celebrate differences, people feel isolated and when things happen to them, they believe that no one else experiences moods, issues, problems, etc. the same way that they do. When people feel isolated, they don't seek help because then they are afraid of being judged or weird or not normal. This happens to me sometimes too. So I figure that if things happen to me, they have to happen to others.

I have a pretty healthy vocabulary and can articulate my feelings and thoughts well. I also know that some people cannot do this. My hope is that people identify with my experiences and they feel less alone and more able to label their own. Maybe someone will think "Yeah that happens to me" and will feel some relief or empowered to speak out or up. And I will write about how I get over things or cope with things, which is not always healthy or helpful for that matter. I am a passionate person so I would think that there are things that I am going to say that you won't like. That's fine with me. I can tolerate it. Additionally, I like the fact that I can talk about me. I value my thoughts and feelings and because of my job, which is highly rewarding, some of me gets put on the back burner. Not here-

So what I promise to you is: full honesty, uncensored honesty, and hopefully some laughs! I promise to end each blog with great quotes, great according to me, and I promise to write just like I talk. Those of you that know me can hopefully hear my voice with all the animation in it :)

Let's meet the main characters in my unscripted story: 1 man and 3 dogs (how do I have 3 dogs?)
Casey, my boyfriend, my partner in crime, my healer
Fozzy: Stubborn and Smart
Gunnar: Can barely urinate without me telling him to do so
Brownning: Newest member of the fam, skittish, and a beating half of the time

I love all of them and we fit very well together. What am I feeling right now? Irresponsible, like a bad dog owner. Oh and I am not one of those people that think my dogs are my kids...no, no, no ,no, no. I would be in trouble if I put my kids in the backyard because they were bugging the shit out of me. And what is up with dog owners cooking their dogs dinner? That is stupid. Do they really have that much time on their hands?

 So as I sit and type this, I am very aware of the fact that I have been at work all day and my dogs probably want to play. This usually incites guilt in me, but I am choosing not to feel guilty right now. I am also feeling pressure to keep shit together and going. Case is working in Arizona now in BFE (that's Butt-fucking Egypt for you younger peeps, does the younger generation even say that anymore?) and working, taking care of the dogs, and doing all the house shit is a lot for me. I feel like a puss even saying that with other people I know managing A LOT more. But again, it's true- So when Case is gone the word for my life is BALANCE. Let's see if I can do it!

To end the Beginning, I want to acknowledge the fact that my ideas for helping others are dependent on you, the reader. I am depending on you to spread the word about this blog. I am also depending on you for feedback. What do you think? How do you balance everything in your life? We have an opportunity to be the Master of technology here instead of a slave to it. We can use this to help people and unite us. We can celebrate our sameness, show compassion to others and hopefully ourselves.

"When you aim for perfection, you will find it is a moving target"- Anonymous